rants and other things.

lifetime, the shittiest network (next to animal planet) on tci basic cable.

lifetime calls itself the network for women. as a woman, i am offended. lifetime's program line-up consists of sappy, 5 yr old made-for-tv-movies, most of which start melissa gilbert, and stupid fucking game shows. this is supposed to be what women want? i'll admit, i occasionally watch supermarket sweep cos i know if i went on there i could totally haul ass, but other than that, the channel is crap. and even supermarket sweep is shitty. doesn't it play into the whole stereotype of a woman that feminists have been trying to destroy for so many years? lifetime sucks. what lifetime needs is some cool shows to balance out the crap. i have a good idea for a new game show. it would be like the newlywed game -- women would take their husbands or boyfriends on the show. the men would have to answer questions about their wives/girlfriends. and the loser gets castrated! that's the twist! we'd have a little guillotine and everything! i'd watch that. i bet they'd love that sort of thing in japan. anyway, lifetime sucks.

people who think drinking coffee makes them cool.

to start off w/, fuck you. okay? fuck you. you live w/ your parents, you're unemployed, you're fashionably bisexual. i hope you all catch syphillis. i hope you all get salmonella from undercooked eggs in your grandslam breakfast, eaten at 11:42 at night. die! die! die!

the m-word.

what is that? trout?

the tax-payers of mount prospect, illinois.

fuck you. you all bitch about how crowded and shitty the library is, but you won't pay the extra dollar or whatever to rebuild it. you're all cheap-ass illiterate bastards. rot in the depths of blackest hell w/ your danielle steel and john grisham.

the children of celebrities.

ivanka trump.
tori (and to a lesser extent, randy) spelling.
mick jagger's daughter, whose name i care not remember.
sean lennon.
liv tyler.

the infamous big blue bowl plan.

you'll need: a big blue bowl (a wading pool will work as well), 50 men, 7 rabid dogs, 3 sharp knives, restraints, popcorn.
restrain men. cut both penises and testicles off all men. throw genitalia into big blue bowl. release dogs. force men to watch as dogs devour their penises. eat popcorn.

condom brand names.

why can't they have normal names?

swing music.

so now it's hip to like swing music. oh, fuck you. no one really likes that shit, they just listen to it cos they think it makes them cool. it SUCKS. i repeat, it SUCKS.

people who think they're "deep".

most of the time they're not. it's just really funny to watch them try to be intellectual. and it's fun to hear them read their shitty poetry.